Fast Internet? Affordable, Yes, But Fast, No.

The internet cafe on Apex House in Ntinda is not as fast as it advertises itself so prominently on the building that houses it.

Welcome GTV, but...

If GTV is anything close to what I’ve heard, I can’t wait for it to start in Uganda. Top amongst the reasons for my euphoria is the fact that it will break the monopoly of Multichoice. However, my fear is that in a bid to close the gap with Multichoice operationally and technically, GTV will look to (if it already hasn’t) recruit personnel with experience who will most likely come from their competitors. GTV needs to watch these people carefully because they come from a culture that enjoyed a monopoly. In February, when a call I had made for technical guidance got a little heated, obviously because of poor communication, the Multichoice lady at the other end hang up on me. Not only did she hang up, my subsequent calls went unanswered (on 0312245100/207 – and how she guessed it was me calling, even when I withheld my number, I’ll never know) until I had to find another number through which I got the help I had wanted in less than a minute. This shows that not everyone there is bad but GTV needs to choose its apples well. The fact that Multichoice enjoyed a monopoly for so long means that a bad culture evolved there which GTV must not inherit and must factor into its recruitment and training programmes.

Choppa 'Stereo'

A man with a high-pitched voice cannot be a substitute for a woman but I know that it was more of carelessness and incompetence somewhere at UTL and WBS than a deliberate attempt at that scenario. The choice of Choppa as the host of UTL’s ‘Win 60 Million Shillings’ promotion show on WBS is a bad one. Yes, he is versatile and his attempts at humour are commendable but his voice is the wrong one. Now, one would say that that should not matter but we are talking 60 million shillings plus the airtime fees and that is a lot of money to be splashed on hanging loose ends. A high-pitched male voice turns people off, period. Let’s remember that people know that a winner will be contacted with a phone number that they already know, at least those that have TV’s. So why tune in to a programme to that will just irritate them. Of course this point of view may not be shared by everyone, especially Choppa and WBS, but they are not the ones paying out the money. UTL, tie up or cut off all of those loose ends and pay the right amount for the right thing.

Priscilla Kalibbala, Please Cover It

Somebody, anybody please tell Priscilla Kalibbala that her navel (mukundi) does not have the ‘appropriate article for optical nutrition’ status. If her videos were about ‘normal’ people, it would go unnoticed. However, the videos are all about chiselled looks and perfectly shaped females which makes her navel stand out quite a bit.

Walking Legend of Uganda

Serbian coach Micho ‘Serunjogyi’ Sredoyevic, formerly of SC Villa and now of Yanga FC (Tz), while appearing on EATV’s FNL not only described Jose Chameleon as a ‘walking legend’, he proudly announced he had had the ‘honour of meeting him in person’. So there you are, Chameleon. You’re bigger than you think but you should use is for good rather than for evil. Which is why it is my humble opinion that any beef you have, especially with a certain crack-head, only has the effect of paling what you are. This is what I would like to hear in interviews when you are asked about Crack-head, even if you are to sound like a broken record: ‘… he is a good talent and has taken music in Uganda to different levels in his own unique way. His devotion to and passion for Kamwokya is commendable and I only wish ggod things for him and his family …’. This way, you disarm Crack-head, while maintaining an image commensurate with your size. And oh, please loose the ganja paraphernalia. As for other artists, don’t look at Chameleon as someone you must take on at all costs. Take him simply as the bigger brother in the family and be frank with him rather than choosing the cowardly way of dissing him in the shield of crowds.

No Fake Accents for Mulindwa, Lyrical G

I’d like to take my hat off for two gentlemen – Isaac Mulindwa and Lyrical G. these two have completely resisted adopting fancy accents even though they would never have been faulted for doing so. Both have maintained a perfectly normal contemporary Ugandan urban accent. Mulindwa, as I’ve learnt, spent a huge chunk of of his childhood, education and employment abroad which should give him the licence to an accent that some people who have spent there a few months and years have awarded themselves. Some people think that the licence to an accent is earned when you become a hip-hip or dancehall artist, one of which Lyrical G is. However, the guy, like Mulindwa talks normal. Personally, when they are being interviewed I listen with interest in contrast to some who obviously force accents and, in turn, force me to switch stations. The two have shown that it is they that are in control of their fame, not the other way round. So wakina Sweet Kid, Peter Miles, e.t.c., sit up and pay attention to the former two gentlemen.

Red, Yellow, Green Zee

The match and victory against Nigeria showed an unprecedented level of something many of us had a little idea about – the love Ugandans have for their country’s colours. Musicians, please sit up and pay attention to this. It is time for the adopted red, gold and green to come second to your very own black, gold and red.

Guide to Typical Ugandan Pop Video.

Script for a typical Kidandaali (Ugandan pop) romantic music video:

• Boy looks girl in the eyes while clutching his chest to stop himself from singing his heart out; girl’s eyes drop to look at her toes
• Boy lifts girl, staggers a under girl’s weight, editor chips in just in time
• Girl sits in boy’s lap
• Girl rolls eyes pretending to be the world’s last virgin
• Boy hold’s girls boobs (perfectly normal thing, no need for a room)
• Boy chases girl and breaks some sweat even when girl is a tortoise
• Girls hides her attractive great lakes frame behind a twig in an apparent game of hide and seek in a garden – always a garden
• Boy plays ‘I know you are there but I’m as blind as a bat’
• Suddenly, ‘it’s a miracle, boy can see!’. He finds her in her hideout and peeks at her from the other side of the twig, eyes meet, smiles galore e.t.c.
• A scene in a photo studio complete with its usual props is always a consideration (even the great Silver Kyagulanyi accepted to be dragged into one. Why one would want photo studio props for a video is mind boggling)
• Producer keeps script to recycle for next client.

The biggest culprit in recycling video scripts is IMAGE VISION. They will recycle props, the choreography and even the costumes for the choreographers (there’s a particular blue costume that has been used in about three or four of their videos I have seen – there could be more).

World War III Ssebo-Style.

If you want a sneak peek at one of the probable causes of World War Three, get Ssebo of East Africa Radio and TV to ‘LYRICS’.

Ssebo, Mukulu!

‘DIGINITY’, that’s according to Ssebo of East Africa Radio.

Alfred 'The Snaill' Odong - NTV Uganda

According to NTV’s Alfred Odong, there is a team in Uganda’s basketball league known as 'The Worriers'! With all their problems it’s a wonder that they have time to play basketball, let alone any game.

Ssenyange@NTVUganda

“The Cranes are hoping to replee-cut …”, according to NTV’s Ssenyange.

Monitor, You're an English Paper!

“Don’t miss to read your favourite newspaper …”, so goes an ad for The Daily Monitor.

Jane Anyango Should Report in Jap.

‘Dr. Krefero (Kafeero?) Dollar’! That’s according to a not-fit-for-broadcast-reporter Jane Anyango of UBC.

Rolling Their 'R's.

Don’t you just hate it when people, while faking accents, rolling ‘r’s American style where there aren’t any ‘r’s? Jane Kasumba of UBC TV will squeeze an ‘r’ into ‘FUFA’ and Gawaya Tegulle, of the same place, will fit up to three ‘r’s into ‘agenda’.

What Subways of Kampala?

Hmmm. “Mesach Ssemakula has gone from singing in sub-ways …’ That’s according to a lady advertising a programme on NTV Uganda. However, I seem to remember that Ssemakula started his singing in the streets and bars of Kampala – Kampala had no sub-ways when he started singing and it still doesn’t.

Do Landmines 'Mime'?

Nanduutu of NTV (how hot is she?), “… last year, a woman was ‘mimed’ by a landmine …” What? You mean the damned thing actually serenaded her until her limb fell off?

NTV, When is Peace Never Wanted?

“The residents of this town (Pader) need peace now more than ever …” announced Freda Nanduutu of NTV Uganda. Dah, who ever had of any town in Uganda needing varying periods of war and peace? All towns need peace all the time and not at just a particular time more than others (catch my drift?).

Artistes, please! When poor Bella decided that it was time for her to be profiled in a newspaper, at The New Vision she chose someone called Moses Opobo. Don’t ever do that if you want your career to blossom, never pick an obscure reporter who has hardly made himself in his profession. Hound Ernest Bazanye, Timothy Bukumunhe, David Tumusiime and people like that. Opobo an’amumanyi?

Na-Lo

There is ad of Bobi Wine’s running on TV. There’s this silly word he keeps throwing around that should be a target for Pentecostals, Na-Lo. The caption gut for the ad typed NARO!

Results of Direct Translation

Those that have to translate English into Luganda for news purposes have a big job on their hands. They are many times faced with words, phrases and concepts that are historically alien to the local language. Take for instance ‘private secretary’: it is many times translated as omuwandiisi ow’ekyaama. If it is translated back to English, it becomes ‘the secret writer!’. Then there is ‘minister of state’ – minista w’eggwanga or ‘minister of the nation’.

Acres of Chipped Nail Polish

Who watched the episode of The Ebonies’ Kyekyo on 13th June? There’s this female character in this scene with Supercharger’s. She’s professing her love to him but the expression on her face is somewhere between acknowledging the presence of a pain in a part of her anatomy she doesn’t want us to know and almost breaking into a forced smile. And when the camera closes in on her fingers, when she puts one on his lips and then operates her mobile, huge swathes of her nail polish are missing. There are just flakes left.

Akaboozi Ku Bbiri – The Den of Potato Growing Monsters

Then there is the den of potato-growers – Akaboozi 87.9 FM - in their English Premier League commentaries: Nigga Reo-Cocker, Nee-jo Reo-Cocker, M-L Hen-skey, Ole GUNNER Solskjear, Wine Rooney, Yummy Carragher e.t.c. One of monsters in this den, Ddumba Sulaiman, thinks that since he always mentions and writes his first name last and surname first, that is the way it is the world over, hence: Henry Thierry, Oh-she John e.t.c.

Suppor-nsor WBS’s Ibrahim

When reporting on NGO’s that con children in Teso and Lango, WBS’s Ibrahim talked of ‘… sah-pon-sahz (sponsors)….’ To him and many reporters like him, it seems, there is an obvious grammatical relationship between sponsor and support, hence sah-pon-sah.

O/C WBS Potato Growers

Then there is the Deputy Chief Potato-grower of WBS – Fred Katende Malibu! This is a guy who has trouble with some names like Coach Laszlo Csaba’s. He decided a long time a go that he will not even attempt to read it on air thus settling for Lazaro. Now this is where someone will say the name is foreign and blah blah blah, but there are no short-cuts for professionalism. If Malibu can’t read names he has no business anchoring. Get somebody else and keep Malibu on as a field reporter. It takes the professional shortcomings of one individual to cause the professionalism of an entire organisation to be questioned. Yes, a person like Malibu is a Luganda newsreader but they too are getting sophisticated. Besides, the sophisticated ones who care that ‘Laszlo’ should be read as Lazaro are the consumers of what WBS advertises. And oh, the Chief Potato-grower of WBS is a certain Daniel Arap Moi.

Yata vs Wamala - Rumble in the Cat Jungle

Isn’t Tina Wamala a good TV presenter? She is calm, articulate and the camera seems to find her quite charming. She is ripe for plucking away from Record TV and every performance of hers simply says, ‘come and get me’. WBS’s Barbara Yata is in need of a make-over. And why must speak as if she has noticed that we can’t hear her and terribly need to read her lips? She needs a make-over – put on some flesh, girl!

Bored Potato Grower

WBS’s Prossy Kisitu (one bored looking she-potato-grower) can’t string letters put before her in their proper order to read a word correctly. When she was reading the story about Besigye’s brother bail, one of his sureties was omubaka w’TEGERO or the MP for TEGERO. There is no such constituency in Uganda.

Hot Potato...

WBS’s Emily Mwebaze again: ‘… grand fie-null (finale – fee-nal-ee) …’ On her day, this hot potato-grower can be a hot potato!

Emily Mwebaze

WBS’s Emily Mwebaze: ‘President Bush has come under attack from the British press over a gah-fay (gaffe – gahf) during Queen Elizabeth’s visit …’ She went to announce ‘… we have and report from CNN…’ but there was nothing in the report to do with the British press attacking the president’s gah-fay.

Another Hot Potato...

I don’t remember who exactly said this, but it is common with Uganda’s newsreaders and reporters ‘… underscored the importance of aiding ath-ray-tees (athletes – ath-leets)’. I think it was another hot potato-grower, WBS’s Emily Mwebaze.

CHOGM Enimity

UBC TV have this slot in which they profile Commonwealth countries. While profiling Cyprus they write, ‘(though) the birthplace of the goddess of lover, the island is torn by ENIMITY …’

Hot Potato

UBC TV’s Namasaba exclaimed after a reporter’s filed story on riots in Kampala ‘… that was the strike!’ To this beautiful potato-grower (she’s HOT), every riot is a strike!

Split Screen/Sound Technology @ UBC

On 14th June at 1:30am, UBC TV decided that we should enjoy two international channels simultaneously – BBC and some Russian channel. I assume it was Russian because I kept hearing ‘… Russia today, tonight on Russia today …’ This is a first in Uganda: since UBC does not have the technology to broadcast to us on split screen, they decided to show us the pictures against the ‘Russia today’ sound. Or was the night potato-grower guy just channel-hopping and he inadvertently cranked up the Russian volume …

Skirmishness!!

UBC TV’s Basekezi read in the news that someone ‘… blamed the skirmishness on …’

Oh-weh!

A lady on Radio Simba on 10th April 2007 announced ‘… would like to inform all NGO’s that the oh-weh (owe) the council …’

Music Videos Lacking Quality Because of Charity

I believe we have now reached a point where TV stations should stop being charitable to poor and mediocre music videos because the viewers will not be sympathetic to them (the TV stations) for much longer. While in the past it would have been argued that Uganda’s music industry was young and the investments in it were low and therefore needed support especially from the broadcasting media, it has now reached that point where it must be treated as having matured. We are seeing very good works and quality of music productions and videos that compare very favourably with those from the developed world. It is therefore a surprise to me to see our TV stations are still broadcasting music videos that bring pain to the eye. Simply accepting every CD that is dropped at their door steps is not helpful to the music industry any more and does no favours to the viewer rates.

As for our music artists, they should know that not everyone who knows the location of the “power” button on a video camera can make a good video. Sure enough, making a video can be an expensive venture but how many times have we seen ‘the video making the hit’? For instance, I believe Shakira’s Wherever, Forever (?) was made a hit by its video. Videos are what make artists cross boarders now that the world is a global village. The launch of MTV Base was meant especially for Africa and its unique challenges but somehow, Uganda is still lagging behind, especially, Kenya and Tanzania. Even when a song has ‘hit’ written all over it, the artist somehow conspires to drop a sick video. The biggest culprits to me have been (please note the order): Sweet Kid (that name has to change), Mesach Ssemakula, Mariam Ndagire and Qute Kaye. Kaye’s Gyinkeese is a well produced song and would have had everything it takes to be a bigger regional hit had it been ‘escorted’ by a good video. Kenyans and Tanzanians do not understand the language it was sang in but they would have warmed up to it if its video was produced with the quality of the song. Instead, the guy makes a kadongo kamu video for an East African urban contemporary song – talk about obuugyi mu bbaala.

If TV stations let it be known to our artists that they will not accept poor videos, the quality would surely improve greatly. While the stations may feel some sympathy for upcoming artists, they must remember that viewers and advertisers will not extend the same favours to them. Artists must look to real professionals to make videos for them. A good video has the potential of extending the life of a song both on CD and at live performances. A good video for a good song, even though expensive to make, will always pay for itself and make profits, and that is a rule. Artists, like TV stations, should stop being sympathetic to video camera owners and operators because the fans will not extend the same favours. Also, they should have it in their minds that the world is their stage and they should start thinking more about numbers than building a ‘comfort zone’. For instance, if sings one in Luganda, it means their primary target is a market of about ten million while singing in Kiswahili primarily targets up to eighty million people. It is good to promote one’s culture but every culture needs rich and successful promoters. If they come with international faces, it is a weighty bonus.