The CBS FM Gutter Journalism

I wish to implore our radio stations to make conscious efforts towards professional broadcasting and to as much as possible not let the sentiments of their staff and owners get in the way of this. They owe professionalism to their, industry, profession, listeners as well as their advertisers who are targeting a stable and peaceful society for their markets. This opinion has been prompted by the morning press reviews of 30th July on the controversial CBS FM. While reviewing The New Vision’s story about the Speaker of parliament blocking motions on the recent arrests of Mengo officials, the presenter gave his listeners the impression that only the motion of NRM MPs seeking to commend the police’s role in this matter was proposed.

The presenter also went on to mention the name of Mary Okurut as one of those mentioned in the newspaper story to be a promoter of this motion. Hon. Okurut was not mentioned in the story but also, the motion backed by some NRM MPs was not the only one in the same article. MP Issa Kikungwe also had a motion condemning the arrests rejected by the Speaker. The glaring lopsidedness and inaccuracies in the review of this particular article, meant to show that the sentiments of CBS are the only popular ones is, to say the least, the lowest one can go down the path of poor broadcasting professionalism and ethics. The fact that this programme is quite well sponsored and advertised on also shows how complacent and careless our corporations are about the health of their business environment. It takes years to build a good business base but only hours to dismantle it thanks to public unrest caused by misdirected sentiments. Our brothers and sisters in the broadcasting industry must learn that their own survival professionally and privately is in professional and objective practice. If only the media in Kenya had sent out their messages of unity long before the civil unrest that caused so much pain and damage had started …

RED PERVERTS BOMBED! Who Cares?

So, the RED PERVERTS (The Red Pepper - a sleazy excuse of a newspaper in Uganda) went and got themselves attacked and bombed. Am I surprised? If you go out of your way to be obnoxious and make enemies with everyone around Uganda, you actually actively contribute to marking yourself as a target. Remember that many of the people they have attacked (including some poor ladies these perverts published as ugly but with good bodies) are helpless people who have no protection. These perverts cleverly wrap their spouses and partners in cotton wool but attack other people's 'properties' with impunity. There is a saying that the higher a monkey climbs, the more it exposes its nakedness.

Tusiime, Rugyendo and company, if you do not want to attract the same kind of attention shown to you by the eleven goons professionally, in the comfy environs of your homes and for your loved ones, simply desist from attacking other people. Now, a Red Pervert could complain that I'm issuing a veiled threat or inciting someone to harm any of them, but I too would claim 'free speech' against the bullies in the media.

Bezo the Dimwit!!!!

A certain Bezo, DJ at Hot 100 FM in Kampala attributed her accent to listening to American televangelists. Now, that's okay if you're not making an ass of yourself before millions. You don't watch someone being themselves and then turn around and dimwittedly abuse your reputation by aping them. Bezo, you ass ...!

Sporting Glory Cannot Create a Nation Brand

I thank The New Vision sports reporter, Fred Kaweesi, for his article about the popularity of footballer, Ibrahim Sekagya, in Austria because of his talent and important role in one that country’s most successful football clubs (http://www.newvision.co.ug/PA/8/30/635038). While I am pleased that Kaweesi has taken time off from his covering of the Euro 2008 tournament to report on a countryman representing Uganda over there, I do not quite agree with his opinion, and those who share it, that we should invest in sports and sports personalities as an alternative to nation branding.

I wish to put it to him that Australia is a country that has invested millions, if not billions, of any currency in branding and aggressively advertising itself internationally, yet it is a massive international sports and cultural powerhouse. Australia and Australians are multiple world champions in several sports and the country has impressive footballing talent in the likes of Mark Viduka, Harry Kewell and Lucas Neill among tens of others. On the cultural scene, the same country has given the world Hollywood greats like Mel Gibson and Russell Crowe, international television stars like Steve ‘The Crocodile Hunter’ Irwin (RIP) and pop stars like sisters Kylie and Dannii Minogue. Furthermore, Australia has given the world blockbuster television productions like Neighbours. Even with that impressive portfolio of national marketing opportunities, Australia has gone on to spend money directly advertising itself in Asia, Europe and North America all year round, every year.

I believe that the logic behind Australia’s move is simple – do not put all your eggs in one basket. Like Australia, Uganda must diversify its marketing opportunities so as to leave nothing to chance, so as not to gamble. Winning medals and sporting accolades alone do not create a brand. A national brand, any brand at all, is created by appealing to as many of an audience’s senses as possible. It calls for a diversified approach to reach as many segments of a market as possible. A diversified approach to nation branding also insures a country against risks she may not have any control over. For instance, if Uganda had put all of her resources in her team to the Sydney 2000 Olympics, imagine what the effect of Joe Atuhaire’s arrest on charges of alleged sexual assault would have had on the country’s marketability. Had their countries only chosen to invest in sport for advertising and promotional purposes, Ben Johnson, Marion Jones and Dwain Chambers would have undone all of that effort.

Sports personalities, talented as they may be, are only human and if Uganda bases her marketability only on them, it would be a gamble that can blow up any minute because of scandal, overestimated talent, loss of form, injury or incapacitation. Nation branding is a worldwide trend and, yes, it costs resources that are competed for by many demanding needs, of which sporting glory is just a fraction. Our debate should not be whether or not we should advertise Uganda because we almost have no choice but to advertise. The debate should be how we do it rationally and how we can get value for money out it. Uganda, for instance, could choose to make Sekagya a part of a wider paid-for marketing drive for the nation rather than us depending almost solely on him or waiting several years for more Sekagyas, who we may or may not get.

Panache@NTV

‘… we see a true picture of pana-shay (panache)’ went the potato grower’s voice advertising the programme ‘Art and Design’ on NTV on 25th July.

More Better ...

‘… more better than you …’ said Abbey Mukiibi, The Good Life Show on UBC on 25th July.

Touch Down!

With all of his time on radio, some guy still can’t string letters together and read a correct word out of them. On Power FM’s Touch Down the best he could do with then letters that spell one Formula One driver’s name was ‘Raikinon’. Then in relation to swimmer, Joe Atuhaire, he said ‘Mel-brone’!. Talk about mixing sixes and sevens. How do we manage to find such mediocrity?

Uganda: Television Should Give Viewers Something to Look Forward to

Moses Serugo (The Daily Monitor, 1st July 2007)

A cross-section of the television fraternity is convinced I run the Uganda Potato Growers blog. I wish I had the patience to sit through a blooper-ridden newscast like whoever posts updates on www.ugandapotatogrowers.blogspot.com does. I have received pleas from the reporters of a certain station begging me to go easy on them because they are one-person crews who film their own footage, edit, write and voice scripts. That to them is a Herculean effort but not everyone is privy to such insider information.

When a viewer puts everything else on hold to catch the evening news, I would like to think they want a polished package where the diction, intonation and grammar are right.
It would benefit reporters to know that punctuation is as essential in speech as it is in prose. So please pay attention to commas and full stops lest your reports sound like you've been running the marathon.

The same blogger says Tina Wamala is "ripe for plucking away from Record TV" and that her every performance simply says 'come and get me'. I couldn't agree more. I have been caught up in Tina's charm before as a guest on her Day Breaker show and although the interview didn't go as coherently as it should have, I admired her presence.

WBS's Barbara Yata gets a thrashing from the same blogger who says the Showtime Magazine host is in need of a makeover. "Put on some flesh, girl," the blogger says. I think it is her show that is more in need of the makeover.Showtime Magazine has "lost the plot" eight years after the feisty and eloquent Tilly Muwonge turned it into Thursday night must-watch viewing. The show's success back then also had everything to do with her team with Timothy Bukumunhe as producer and Chris Eritu's imaginative camera work. WBS TV's Head of Productions, Osbert Karuhanga should know since he was there at the time.

Bart Kakooza is back with The Focal Point [WBS TV, Sundays 7p.m.], a show that is grappling with an identity crisis. Last week's edition featured a teary lad that was molested by a gay pastor. Kakooza was in a minefield here, trying hard to hide the victim's eyes and blipping the Pastor's name every time the lad came close to revealing the erring pastor's name.
Relevant Links

East Africa Uganda Arts, Culture and Entertainment

At the end of the weepy 30 minutes, it felt like being led on a wild-goose chase. I would have preferred something more revolutionary like the Media Plus newscasts he used to compile and sell to LTV and the defunct Madhvani-owned Channel TV. Not only did the news show yield able newscasters like Ann Kiiza, Tina Byaruhanga and Rachel Mugarura. Its content spread beyond Kampala thanks to Media Plus' network of regional correspondents. I remember the DR Congo report where journalist Max Sherura was caught in the crossfire of warring Congolese rebels. Kakooza may in hindsight want to consider showing this new generation of wet-behind-the-ears TV personalities the ropes.

http://allafrica.com/stories/200707021285.html

Fast Internet? Affordable, Yes, But Fast, No.

The internet cafe on Apex House in Ntinda is not as fast as it advertises itself so prominently on the building that houses it.

Welcome GTV, but...

If GTV is anything close to what I’ve heard, I can’t wait for it to start in Uganda. Top amongst the reasons for my euphoria is the fact that it will break the monopoly of Multichoice. However, my fear is that in a bid to close the gap with Multichoice operationally and technically, GTV will look to (if it already hasn’t) recruit personnel with experience who will most likely come from their competitors. GTV needs to watch these people carefully because they come from a culture that enjoyed a monopoly. In February, when a call I had made for technical guidance got a little heated, obviously because of poor communication, the Multichoice lady at the other end hang up on me. Not only did she hang up, my subsequent calls went unanswered (on 0312245100/207 – and how she guessed it was me calling, even when I withheld my number, I’ll never know) until I had to find another number through which I got the help I had wanted in less than a minute. This shows that not everyone there is bad but GTV needs to choose its apples well. The fact that Multichoice enjoyed a monopoly for so long means that a bad culture evolved there which GTV must not inherit and must factor into its recruitment and training programmes.

Choppa 'Stereo'

A man with a high-pitched voice cannot be a substitute for a woman but I know that it was more of carelessness and incompetence somewhere at UTL and WBS than a deliberate attempt at that scenario. The choice of Choppa as the host of UTL’s ‘Win 60 Million Shillings’ promotion show on WBS is a bad one. Yes, he is versatile and his attempts at humour are commendable but his voice is the wrong one. Now, one would say that that should not matter but we are talking 60 million shillings plus the airtime fees and that is a lot of money to be splashed on hanging loose ends. A high-pitched male voice turns people off, period. Let’s remember that people know that a winner will be contacted with a phone number that they already know, at least those that have TV’s. So why tune in to a programme to that will just irritate them. Of course this point of view may not be shared by everyone, especially Choppa and WBS, but they are not the ones paying out the money. UTL, tie up or cut off all of those loose ends and pay the right amount for the right thing.

Priscilla Kalibbala, Please Cover It

Somebody, anybody please tell Priscilla Kalibbala that her navel (mukundi) does not have the ‘appropriate article for optical nutrition’ status. If her videos were about ‘normal’ people, it would go unnoticed. However, the videos are all about chiselled looks and perfectly shaped females which makes her navel stand out quite a bit.

Walking Legend of Uganda

Serbian coach Micho ‘Serunjogyi’ Sredoyevic, formerly of SC Villa and now of Yanga FC (Tz), while appearing on EATV’s FNL not only described Jose Chameleon as a ‘walking legend’, he proudly announced he had had the ‘honour of meeting him in person’. So there you are, Chameleon. You’re bigger than you think but you should use is for good rather than for evil. Which is why it is my humble opinion that any beef you have, especially with a certain crack-head, only has the effect of paling what you are. This is what I would like to hear in interviews when you are asked about Crack-head, even if you are to sound like a broken record: ‘… he is a good talent and has taken music in Uganda to different levels in his own unique way. His devotion to and passion for Kamwokya is commendable and I only wish ggod things for him and his family …’. This way, you disarm Crack-head, while maintaining an image commensurate with your size. And oh, please loose the ganja paraphernalia. As for other artists, don’t look at Chameleon as someone you must take on at all costs. Take him simply as the bigger brother in the family and be frank with him rather than choosing the cowardly way of dissing him in the shield of crowds.

No Fake Accents for Mulindwa, Lyrical G

I’d like to take my hat off for two gentlemen – Isaac Mulindwa and Lyrical G. these two have completely resisted adopting fancy accents even though they would never have been faulted for doing so. Both have maintained a perfectly normal contemporary Ugandan urban accent. Mulindwa, as I’ve learnt, spent a huge chunk of of his childhood, education and employment abroad which should give him the licence to an accent that some people who have spent there a few months and years have awarded themselves. Some people think that the licence to an accent is earned when you become a hip-hip or dancehall artist, one of which Lyrical G is. However, the guy, like Mulindwa talks normal. Personally, when they are being interviewed I listen with interest in contrast to some who obviously force accents and, in turn, force me to switch stations. The two have shown that it is they that are in control of their fame, not the other way round. So wakina Sweet Kid, Peter Miles, e.t.c., sit up and pay attention to the former two gentlemen.

Red, Yellow, Green Zee

The match and victory against Nigeria showed an unprecedented level of something many of us had a little idea about – the love Ugandans have for their country’s colours. Musicians, please sit up and pay attention to this. It is time for the adopted red, gold and green to come second to your very own black, gold and red.

Guide to Typical Ugandan Pop Video.

Script for a typical Kidandaali (Ugandan pop) romantic music video:

• Boy looks girl in the eyes while clutching his chest to stop himself from singing his heart out; girl’s eyes drop to look at her toes
• Boy lifts girl, staggers a under girl’s weight, editor chips in just in time
• Girl sits in boy’s lap
• Girl rolls eyes pretending to be the world’s last virgin
• Boy hold’s girls boobs (perfectly normal thing, no need for a room)
• Boy chases girl and breaks some sweat even when girl is a tortoise
• Girls hides her attractive great lakes frame behind a twig in an apparent game of hide and seek in a garden – always a garden
• Boy plays ‘I know you are there but I’m as blind as a bat’
• Suddenly, ‘it’s a miracle, boy can see!’. He finds her in her hideout and peeks at her from the other side of the twig, eyes meet, smiles galore e.t.c.
• A scene in a photo studio complete with its usual props is always a consideration (even the great Silver Kyagulanyi accepted to be dragged into one. Why one would want photo studio props for a video is mind boggling)
• Producer keeps script to recycle for next client.

The biggest culprit in recycling video scripts is IMAGE VISION. They will recycle props, the choreography and even the costumes for the choreographers (there’s a particular blue costume that has been used in about three or four of their videos I have seen – there could be more).

World War III Ssebo-Style.

If you want a sneak peek at one of the probable causes of World War Three, get Ssebo of East Africa Radio and TV to ‘LYRICS’.

Ssebo, Mukulu!

‘DIGINITY’, that’s according to Ssebo of East Africa Radio.

Alfred 'The Snaill' Odong - NTV Uganda

According to NTV’s Alfred Odong, there is a team in Uganda’s basketball league known as 'The Worriers'! With all their problems it’s a wonder that they have time to play basketball, let alone any game.

Ssenyange@NTVUganda

“The Cranes are hoping to replee-cut …”, according to NTV’s Ssenyange.

Monitor, You're an English Paper!

“Don’t miss to read your favourite newspaper …”, so goes an ad for The Daily Monitor.

Jane Anyango Should Report in Jap.

‘Dr. Krefero (Kafeero?) Dollar’! That’s according to a not-fit-for-broadcast-reporter Jane Anyango of UBC.

Rolling Their 'R's.

Don’t you just hate it when people, while faking accents, rolling ‘r’s American style where there aren’t any ‘r’s? Jane Kasumba of UBC TV will squeeze an ‘r’ into ‘FUFA’ and Gawaya Tegulle, of the same place, will fit up to three ‘r’s into ‘agenda’.

What Subways of Kampala?

Hmmm. “Mesach Ssemakula has gone from singing in sub-ways …’ That’s according to a lady advertising a programme on NTV Uganda. However, I seem to remember that Ssemakula started his singing in the streets and bars of Kampala – Kampala had no sub-ways when he started singing and it still doesn’t.

Do Landmines 'Mime'?

Nanduutu of NTV (how hot is she?), “… last year, a woman was ‘mimed’ by a landmine …” What? You mean the damned thing actually serenaded her until her limb fell off?

NTV, When is Peace Never Wanted?

“The residents of this town (Pader) need peace now more than ever …” announced Freda Nanduutu of NTV Uganda. Dah, who ever had of any town in Uganda needing varying periods of war and peace? All towns need peace all the time and not at just a particular time more than others (catch my drift?).

Artistes, please! When poor Bella decided that it was time for her to be profiled in a newspaper, at The New Vision she chose someone called Moses Opobo. Don’t ever do that if you want your career to blossom, never pick an obscure reporter who has hardly made himself in his profession. Hound Ernest Bazanye, Timothy Bukumunhe, David Tumusiime and people like that. Opobo an’amumanyi?

Na-Lo

There is ad of Bobi Wine’s running on TV. There’s this silly word he keeps throwing around that should be a target for Pentecostals, Na-Lo. The caption gut for the ad typed NARO!

Results of Direct Translation

Those that have to translate English into Luganda for news purposes have a big job on their hands. They are many times faced with words, phrases and concepts that are historically alien to the local language. Take for instance ‘private secretary’: it is many times translated as omuwandiisi ow’ekyaama. If it is translated back to English, it becomes ‘the secret writer!’. Then there is ‘minister of state’ – minista w’eggwanga or ‘minister of the nation’.

Acres of Chipped Nail Polish

Who watched the episode of The Ebonies’ Kyekyo on 13th June? There’s this female character in this scene with Supercharger’s. She’s professing her love to him but the expression on her face is somewhere between acknowledging the presence of a pain in a part of her anatomy she doesn’t want us to know and almost breaking into a forced smile. And when the camera closes in on her fingers, when she puts one on his lips and then operates her mobile, huge swathes of her nail polish are missing. There are just flakes left.

Akaboozi Ku Bbiri – The Den of Potato Growing Monsters

Then there is the den of potato-growers – Akaboozi 87.9 FM - in their English Premier League commentaries: Nigga Reo-Cocker, Nee-jo Reo-Cocker, M-L Hen-skey, Ole GUNNER Solskjear, Wine Rooney, Yummy Carragher e.t.c. One of monsters in this den, Ddumba Sulaiman, thinks that since he always mentions and writes his first name last and surname first, that is the way it is the world over, hence: Henry Thierry, Oh-she John e.t.c.

Suppor-nsor WBS’s Ibrahim

When reporting on NGO’s that con children in Teso and Lango, WBS’s Ibrahim talked of ‘… sah-pon-sahz (sponsors)….’ To him and many reporters like him, it seems, there is an obvious grammatical relationship between sponsor and support, hence sah-pon-sah.

O/C WBS Potato Growers

Then there is the Deputy Chief Potato-grower of WBS – Fred Katende Malibu! This is a guy who has trouble with some names like Coach Laszlo Csaba’s. He decided a long time a go that he will not even attempt to read it on air thus settling for Lazaro. Now this is where someone will say the name is foreign and blah blah blah, but there are no short-cuts for professionalism. If Malibu can’t read names he has no business anchoring. Get somebody else and keep Malibu on as a field reporter. It takes the professional shortcomings of one individual to cause the professionalism of an entire organisation to be questioned. Yes, a person like Malibu is a Luganda newsreader but they too are getting sophisticated. Besides, the sophisticated ones who care that ‘Laszlo’ should be read as Lazaro are the consumers of what WBS advertises. And oh, the Chief Potato-grower of WBS is a certain Daniel Arap Moi.

Yata vs Wamala - Rumble in the Cat Jungle

Isn’t Tina Wamala a good TV presenter? She is calm, articulate and the camera seems to find her quite charming. She is ripe for plucking away from Record TV and every performance of hers simply says, ‘come and get me’. WBS’s Barbara Yata is in need of a make-over. And why must speak as if she has noticed that we can’t hear her and terribly need to read her lips? She needs a make-over – put on some flesh, girl!

Bored Potato Grower

WBS’s Prossy Kisitu (one bored looking she-potato-grower) can’t string letters put before her in their proper order to read a word correctly. When she was reading the story about Besigye’s brother bail, one of his sureties was omubaka w’TEGERO or the MP for TEGERO. There is no such constituency in Uganda.

Hot Potato...

WBS’s Emily Mwebaze again: ‘… grand fie-null (finale – fee-nal-ee) …’ On her day, this hot potato-grower can be a hot potato!

Emily Mwebaze

WBS’s Emily Mwebaze: ‘President Bush has come under attack from the British press over a gah-fay (gaffe – gahf) during Queen Elizabeth’s visit …’ She went to announce ‘… we have and report from CNN…’ but there was nothing in the report to do with the British press attacking the president’s gah-fay.

Another Hot Potato...

I don’t remember who exactly said this, but it is common with Uganda’s newsreaders and reporters ‘… underscored the importance of aiding ath-ray-tees (athletes – ath-leets)’. I think it was another hot potato-grower, WBS’s Emily Mwebaze.

CHOGM Enimity

UBC TV have this slot in which they profile Commonwealth countries. While profiling Cyprus they write, ‘(though) the birthplace of the goddess of lover, the island is torn by ENIMITY …’

Hot Potato

UBC TV’s Namasaba exclaimed after a reporter’s filed story on riots in Kampala ‘… that was the strike!’ To this beautiful potato-grower (she’s HOT), every riot is a strike!